yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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