He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
