Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
