i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
