I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
