those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
