we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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