Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
