I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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