You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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