It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize