"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
