the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
