Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
