ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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