I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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