Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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