she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
