I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
