saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
