Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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