Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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