I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
