i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
