Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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