Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Holy sore nipples Batman
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
