Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
