I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
