i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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