I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
