I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize