Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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