the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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