my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
