My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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