Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
