My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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