Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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