I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
