I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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