I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
