Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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