it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
