nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
me + whiskey = a bad person
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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