Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
