there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
