Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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