I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
