On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
