i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
And then my night got REAL pukey
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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