You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
