it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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