Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
