Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
