Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
