..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
