Apparently you make a good broom.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
