I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
