Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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