i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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