Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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