So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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