I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
