He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
